getting my effing life together

The world is a really dumb place. Its divided by those who have, those who have not, and those who just graduated from college. 

Its strange because all my life I thought moving to New York would be one of the most glamorous things I could do for myself, but as it turns out, its just one huge mindfuck equip with yellow taxi cabs and pretty areas I cant afford to live in. My apartment is about to be inspected for 6 weeks due to bedbugs that we thankfully don't have. Don't nobody really wanna clean the apartment and we don't even have a couch for Dave Chapelle to jump on and say "fuck yo couch nigga"...

Don't get me wrong, some amazing things have happened to me within the past 9 months. I met my boyfriend, who is absolutely amazing. I don't think I have ever been so smitten in my life. I actually thing I'm beginning to fall into that thing that starts with an L. Maybe he is too. I booked my first theatrical show (no i am not a stripper). Im going to be doing what I love....figuratively and literally lol, but somehow it still doesn't seem like its enough. Maybe I need more God in my life. maybe thats it. But honestly I think my moms very very Christian text messages have been getting to me, as is my third roommates low opinion of my work ethic. Now don't get me wrong, Im not the most active person alive. I quit the gym, because I don't really like it. I don’t really carpe diem every gottdamn day. I believe in saving money by doing nothing. I mean I don’t really feel like doing anything right now except for my relationship. Is that wrong? Is it wrong that I have been single and mistreated on a consistent basis for 6 years and now I want to have a little fun and not work and not give a damn about anything other than my love life? Is it all so wrong???? Is it wrong that I did all this shit in college and I want an effing break? Is it so wrong that I don’t work a 9 to five because my dream doesn’t allow it?

I just want to take a breath on a beach without having to worry about what is coming next

Maybe Im just not self assured. I looked into positive affirmations very briefly and I think I would feel retarded telling myself that I am enough every day. My cat (biggie) would probably bite my ankle while im saying it in the mirror because of how stupid I’d look. I swear the car has a stupidity sensor. Do something crazy when Biggie’s in the room and he will bite you down to size. 

Anyway. Maybe I’ll start writing everyday. Maybe that will get me back to me without becoming a raging alchie or wino. Maybe writing is what I need. It’s either this or a one way ticket to Tahiti....and this is a shit ton cheaper.